Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
A Quiet Storm
How did I do yesterday? I will write that down, but first:
Wow...my hubby was coughing last night, so he went to another room to sleep, and I slept through the night. That has not happened in years. I have been EXHAUSTED to distraction, between the hormone fluxuations of menopause and my brain trying to sort through the details of our challenging lives...(which may be a different blog someday, maybe even a book...but I will allude to it here once in a while.)
I am a light sleeper. Mainly at night. I sleep deeply at 7 AM. I know...it makes for a very interesting life.
Right now I am here trying to figure out how I worked three days a week, went to school fulltime, kept house, took care of a sick kid, and was a wife, for several years without collapsing, in middle age! Well I am collapsing NOW. But not TODAY, because I actually slept more than 5 hours, without waking up and staying up for an hour or more, as is my custom, night after night.
It really is a wonder I function at all. Or do I? The last few months have been a blurr, marked by a couple of events which punctuated my need for help.
First there was The Home Experience, a wonderful conference at church. When we went shopping and out to eat with the speaker, Devi Titus, I became aware AGAIN, that I am doing everything wrong. I have quit excercising because I am too tired, I don't eat right because, well, because my attempts at controlling the food that comes into our house have failed, and therefore I am way overweight, and shopping is no fun.
But I also became aware of how much I do love hospitality and entertaining, and how I have not had the energy nor the extra money to do it. And I became aware that I may never get a job as long as I am fat. Let's face it, overweight people are not Company Insurance-friendly, not to mention the attractiveness factor that should be a given in the Beauty Industry. Fat is just not hip, and to be a Cosmetologist, one really needs to be hip.
I will mention here that my degree is in Organizational Leadership and Theology. What I really want to do is be a Ministries Coordinator. But I have discovered my "industry" is very male oriented, when it comes to hiring. Unless I want to work at a Universalist Church, head up a Children's Ministry, or a Hispanic Ministry, I am not in the running. My friends will know exactly what my response to those options would be.
In the meantime I do Women's Ministry at church, a volunteer position I LOVE. I love our church women. We mother each other.
So the second event which punctuated my need for help was earlier this month. We had a Women's Brunch at church during which I was the MC. During which time I bled profusely. For the third time, I had started the bio-identical hormones my Gyno had given me. For the third time they made me have unbelieveable blood loss. I wonder if anyone could tell I was shaking. I wore a brightly colored skirt hoping to mask the blood. It did not work...
Today, I go to a new Gyno to try to get this figured out. (my other Gyno, who had suggested I have a hysterectomy, quit gyno-ing to do anti-aging research) The first time I saw this new one she told me she would not recommend hormones at all, OR a hysterectomy, unless I have abnormal cells in my uterus, which she will look for today.
The third event which nailed it for me, and convinced me to DO SOMETHING was this past weekend. I was surrounded by my beautiful female cousins who have managed to keep some semblance of their former young figures. I was actually relieved my God-Mother was not there. She gets very angry at me (in a good way) when I don't look trim and lovely. Trim and lovely are values our Cuban culture holds dear, along with friendly, affectionate, and talkative. Oh they still love you if you are fat, but they want you to 'get rid of it,' for all the great reasons you should!
SO MY QUEST: to get my uterus and hormones under control as much as is possible at this stage of life, to get rid of most or all of the excess weight, which I know will be difficult at this stage of life, and to make myself more employable and/or nail down some type of interesting career...
As to how I did yesterday, well: I did some writing, (did I mention I love to write and am working on a book?) I ate reasonably healthy stuff in small quantities, BUT I was unable to say "no" to a time consuming request to which I should probably have said "no." And I was too tired to excersise. But I did take by wonderful Nano Vitamins!
My focus HAS to be my health and weight loss this month. I MUST make time to excersise every day. The biggest obstacle to my excersising is that I am usually so tired. But I know that if I start small, I will actually have more energy, and it may actually HELP regulate my hormones a little and help me sleep better...and all those other great things excersise does...
Wow...my hubby was coughing last night, so he went to another room to sleep, and I slept through the night. That has not happened in years. I have been EXHAUSTED to distraction, between the hormone fluxuations of menopause and my brain trying to sort through the details of our challenging lives...(which may be a different blog someday, maybe even a book...but I will allude to it here once in a while.)
I am a light sleeper. Mainly at night. I sleep deeply at 7 AM. I know...it makes for a very interesting life.
Right now I am here trying to figure out how I worked three days a week, went to school fulltime, kept house, took care of a sick kid, and was a wife, for several years without collapsing, in middle age! Well I am collapsing NOW. But not TODAY, because I actually slept more than 5 hours, without waking up and staying up for an hour or more, as is my custom, night after night.
It really is a wonder I function at all. Or do I? The last few months have been a blurr, marked by a couple of events which punctuated my need for help.
First there was The Home Experience, a wonderful conference at church. When we went shopping and out to eat with the speaker, Devi Titus, I became aware AGAIN, that I am doing everything wrong. I have quit excercising because I am too tired, I don't eat right because, well, because my attempts at controlling the food that comes into our house have failed, and therefore I am way overweight, and shopping is no fun.
But I also became aware of how much I do love hospitality and entertaining, and how I have not had the energy nor the extra money to do it. And I became aware that I may never get a job as long as I am fat. Let's face it, overweight people are not Company Insurance-friendly, not to mention the attractiveness factor that should be a given in the Beauty Industry. Fat is just not hip, and to be a Cosmetologist, one really needs to be hip.
I will mention here that my degree is in Organizational Leadership and Theology. What I really want to do is be a Ministries Coordinator. But I have discovered my "industry" is very male oriented, when it comes to hiring. Unless I want to work at a Universalist Church, head up a Children's Ministry, or a Hispanic Ministry, I am not in the running. My friends will know exactly what my response to those options would be.
In the meantime I do Women's Ministry at church, a volunteer position I LOVE. I love our church women. We mother each other.
So the second event which punctuated my need for help was earlier this month. We had a Women's Brunch at church during which I was the MC. During which time I bled profusely. For the third time, I had started the bio-identical hormones my Gyno had given me. For the third time they made me have unbelieveable blood loss. I wonder if anyone could tell I was shaking. I wore a brightly colored skirt hoping to mask the blood. It did not work...
Today, I go to a new Gyno to try to get this figured out. (my other Gyno, who had suggested I have a hysterectomy, quit gyno-ing to do anti-aging research) The first time I saw this new one she told me she would not recommend hormones at all, OR a hysterectomy, unless I have abnormal cells in my uterus, which she will look for today.
The third event which nailed it for me, and convinced me to DO SOMETHING was this past weekend. I was surrounded by my beautiful female cousins who have managed to keep some semblance of their former young figures. I was actually relieved my God-Mother was not there. She gets very angry at me (in a good way) when I don't look trim and lovely. Trim and lovely are values our Cuban culture holds dear, along with friendly, affectionate, and talkative. Oh they still love you if you are fat, but they want you to 'get rid of it,' for all the great reasons you should!
SO MY QUEST: to get my uterus and hormones under control as much as is possible at this stage of life, to get rid of most or all of the excess weight, which I know will be difficult at this stage of life, and to make myself more employable and/or nail down some type of interesting career...
As to how I did yesterday, well: I did some writing, (did I mention I love to write and am working on a book?) I ate reasonably healthy stuff in small quantities, BUT I was unable to say "no" to a time consuming request to which I should probably have said "no." And I was too tired to excersise. But I did take by wonderful Nano Vitamins!
My focus HAS to be my health and weight loss this month. I MUST make time to excersise every day. The biggest obstacle to my excersising is that I am usually so tired. But I know that if I start small, I will actually have more energy, and it may actually HELP regulate my hormones a little and help me sleep better...and all those other great things excersise does...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Out of Order, Chaos.
My old me would come back from a trip with the neatest suitcases, ready to be unloaded immediately, because everything had it's place. I have been home a day and some hours and my bags are still by the door. I need help!
What has happened? I keep cleaning out closets and storage, and people keep moving more stuff in...and I just shove my stuff aside to a place where it's almost inaccessible. I can't find my stuff, the stuff that makes my life mine, that makes my life work...it's under other people's stuff!
You have to understand I RARELY, if ever, buy anything...I have all this stuff, and it's very nice and I am thankful for it, but very little of it is originally mine. Some of it I needed and it came at just the right time, but alot of it I was just too nice to turn away.
It's like other people's out of control lives have taken over my space and now my space is out of control...
The stuff is just the material symbol of what is going on inside of me...other people have moved their lives into mine. I have let them! Not because they meant harm, most did not. I have not established boudaries. Not because I am a people pleaser, but because I am non combative; fighting for my rights makes me weary, and so I just don't do it.
I used to stand up for myself, but my voice was not powerful enough. Other voices were louder. So I picked up my bags and moved on. That is what I do. If a situation gets too uncomfortable, I leave. It's how I learned to live...My family left Cuba, for very good reasons, but after leaving your country and family once, with all the anxiety and pain of that, leaving became easy. I left my first marriage. I left the town where I grew up. I have left again and again.
But this time is different. A. I can't really leave. B. I don't really want to. In this chaos there is stuff I love, not to mention people I love...
I eat to feel better, to silence the screaming emotional chaos in me. I have created an inner pack rat of pain and hidden angst. Externally she weighs 70 lbs. more than she should.
So the outer chaos is the picture of the inner chaos. The inner chaos is a woman who has had too much stuff happen to her in too little time, and who has hidden, but wants to come out and BE. She doesn't want to take anything from anyone. She just wants to be. And to be allowed to be. And not be edited, critiqued, changed, suspected, misunderstood, or treated badly. She wants to learn how to stop allowing people to treat her badly, yet keep her integrity and kindness. She doesn't want to learn how to be manipulative. She doesn't want to be a star. She just wants to thrive in who she is. She wants to be ME.
Life has dismantled me. I want to find the pieces and put me back together. Or find new pieces that are even better. But they have to be MY pieces, the ones God gives ME. Not the ones everyone else wants me to use...
The process, and for sure, the end result, must be authentic.
What has happened? I keep cleaning out closets and storage, and people keep moving more stuff in...and I just shove my stuff aside to a place where it's almost inaccessible. I can't find my stuff, the stuff that makes my life mine, that makes my life work...it's under other people's stuff!
You have to understand I RARELY, if ever, buy anything...I have all this stuff, and it's very nice and I am thankful for it, but very little of it is originally mine. Some of it I needed and it came at just the right time, but alot of it I was just too nice to turn away.
It's like other people's out of control lives have taken over my space and now my space is out of control...
The stuff is just the material symbol of what is going on inside of me...other people have moved their lives into mine. I have let them! Not because they meant harm, most did not. I have not established boudaries. Not because I am a people pleaser, but because I am non combative; fighting for my rights makes me weary, and so I just don't do it.
I used to stand up for myself, but my voice was not powerful enough. Other voices were louder. So I picked up my bags and moved on. That is what I do. If a situation gets too uncomfortable, I leave. It's how I learned to live...My family left Cuba, for very good reasons, but after leaving your country and family once, with all the anxiety and pain of that, leaving became easy. I left my first marriage. I left the town where I grew up. I have left again and again.
But this time is different. A. I can't really leave. B. I don't really want to. In this chaos there is stuff I love, not to mention people I love...
I eat to feel better, to silence the screaming emotional chaos in me. I have created an inner pack rat of pain and hidden angst. Externally she weighs 70 lbs. more than she should.
So the outer chaos is the picture of the inner chaos. The inner chaos is a woman who has had too much stuff happen to her in too little time, and who has hidden, but wants to come out and BE. She doesn't want to take anything from anyone. She just wants to be. And to be allowed to be. And not be edited, critiqued, changed, suspected, misunderstood, or treated badly. She wants to learn how to stop allowing people to treat her badly, yet keep her integrity and kindness. She doesn't want to learn how to be manipulative. She doesn't want to be a star. She just wants to thrive in who she is. She wants to be ME.
Life has dismantled me. I want to find the pieces and put me back together. Or find new pieces that are even better. But they have to be MY pieces, the ones God gives ME. Not the ones everyone else wants me to use...
The process, and for sure, the end result, must be authentic.
Major Tom
I am going through menopause and I am 70 lbs over weight. After years of sick family members, I have kind of let my self die. Not in a good way. I admit that I am passive, and it is easier for me to give myself away than to take care of myself. But I go down fighting, hating every minute of losing myself in the process. It hurts to give yourself away. I hurt. I am bone weary in my spirit. I can't focus well anymore. I can't remember simple things.
Over the last year I have felt myself being lifted like a balloon getting farther and father away from the ground, the wind of everyone else's need carrying me...I float from task to task, will myself to touch down and take care of business, and then I am airborne again. Lately I can't even seem to gain footing, to touch down at all. My cluttered brain is trying to sort this all out and can't. I have to put one foot in front of the other and get back on track...but first I have to find the track, find the ground...
Over the last year I have felt myself being lifted like a balloon getting farther and father away from the ground, the wind of everyone else's need carrying me...I float from task to task, will myself to touch down and take care of business, and then I am airborne again. Lately I can't even seem to gain footing, to touch down at all. My cluttered brain is trying to sort this all out and can't. I have to put one foot in front of the other and get back on track...but first I have to find the track, find the ground...
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
1 Month for ME
I have been a Wife for 36 years more or less, and a Mom for about 31. I love NORMAL but have found that life doesn't necessarily create NORMAL. We go through life recreating alot of the same chaos our parents fell prey to. My life feels like it has spun out of control, mine AND God's...it is floating in some unrecognizable material corner of the Universe with no pilot.
I need to get this ship back on course, Captain, and you are welcome to drive...but I have to step out of the ship for a while to see what went wrong with the equipment, see what needs fixing, and get some kind of direction as to where we are headed...
So I am preparing for a month just for me...a month when I come first and figure out who it is I am supposed to be, because I am pretty sure this mess is not Me.
I need to get this ship back on course, Captain, and you are welcome to drive...but I have to step out of the ship for a while to see what went wrong with the equipment, see what needs fixing, and get some kind of direction as to where we are headed...
So I am preparing for a month just for me...a month when I come first and figure out who it is I am supposed to be, because I am pretty sure this mess is not Me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
