Friday, August 10, 2012
Two years have passed.
It's been two years since my last post. I finally did get a month for me. It did not come about in the way I would have chosen. But I will share all about it soon. For now I will just say my life has changed dramatically. And i think I have changed some myself, as well...
Thursday, August 5, 2010
August 5, 2010
Long past the "Month For Me," it has been everything BUT! We went to our home town in Indiana for vacation, drove there and back. Then BOOM! Seriously...wow...Jim got very ill.
More when i have some time to write...
But FYI: Jim came home from the hopspital with an appetite for much healthier foods...fruits and veggies! yey! That helps!
I have not revisited hormones, bio identical or otherwise, and i seem to be surviving.
Life has become more interesting that ever and i have felt a DEEP need to SIMPLIFY!!!
More when i have some time to write...
But FYI: Jim came home from the hopspital with an appetite for much healthier foods...fruits and veggies! yey! That helps!
I have not revisited hormones, bio identical or otherwise, and i seem to be surviving.
Life has become more interesting that ever and i have felt a DEEP need to SIMPLIFY!!!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
What was supposed to be a "month for me" has become a month for "what the heck is going on?" If you are a guy or squeemish, I would go to a fishing or biking blog right now cos it's gonna get graphic. Not in a good way.
HEALTHY EATING
But first: I am now hooked on oatmeal for breakfast, since I decided I just was NOT going to eat it without salt, butter, sugar and cinnamon. So now, a formerly bland artery declogging gruel tastes like a Cinnabon goodie...well it's STILL Oatmeal, right?
So my initial plan for this blog was to get up every day, have my healthy breakfast, have my quiet time, and go for a brisk walk. My summer plan is to end up hiking and/or some other form of torture, I mean, exercise, for 3-4 hours a day until I have shed 50 lbs. Cos THAT'S what HAS to happen, and there is no getting around it, right?
Well last Friday my wonderful body decided three weeks was long enough between periods. Yes periods. Yes at my age. At least I hope they are some kind of periods, rather than a dread disease.
Warning #2: I think I did mention Menopause was going to be a topic in this blog, right?
That's because I am going through 'it,' whatever it is....and finding out 'it' can be quite an adventure, one that NO man would survive, kind of like childbirth, but it is much longer than 9 months. There is Peri Menopause, which can last 10 years or more, and Menopause which is not over until you have not had a period for a year. Which means you can NOT have a period for 11 months and then have one and whoops! you have not "gone through Menopause" yet...
Well, the technical terms surrounding this mysterious 'change' are all bunk. And my aunt Chila LIED. She said she "just had a period one month and then never had one again." No hot flashes, no erratic periods or behavior.
Since all my life, from the age of 12, (except for during my 4 pregnancies, and the year my Dr. had me on non-stop birth control pills for my endometriosis,) my reliable monthly friend came exactly every 27 days, I expected to have a reliable "change of life." R I G H T. And I expected that if things got crazy, bio identical hormones would help things along.
Fact is, my periods were not always friendly. I did have years of very heavy ones. I was diagnosed with fibroids. I was not too worried about it, since I am one of the few people that I know of who has had supernatural healing for Endometriosis, complete with medical confirmation to my doubting insurance company from my Doctor.
To shorten the story, back in the late ninetees, 2 knife happy second opinions wanted to take all my parts out because my fibroids were causing the bleeding. But another two did not think it was necessary. "The fibroids shrink at menopause, and that's right around the corner for you."
12 years later I think I finally see that corner. Periods are fewer and father apart. But this whole thing, it ain't pretty. And it appears that bio-identicals make the bleeding worse for me. So recently I was told by my latest Gyno that I had to have an Endomerial Biopsy and then wait ten days for the results to see if I had Uterine Cancer.
Know this: my mom died at 54 from a type of Fibroid Tumors not known to respond to chemo or radiation. All you could do was take them out and wait until one popped out elsewhere, then take IT out. It was an 18 year race.
So my sister and I have a real aversion to waiting for test results. Even though we have 'cancelled the curse of cancer' from our families...but we are naughty and fat. But now we are doing something about it, the disease causing fat, that is. More on THAT another day.
In the meantime, I was told by the entire staff that the Endrometrial Biopsy would hurt as much as the worst mentrual cramps I have ever had. No anesthesia.
Well, I had just been to my very female-loden family reuinion on my Mom's Mom's side and the Female Force, and the Holy Spirit (who has lots of female traits) and Jesus, and my good friend Shirley, were all totally with me, and it did not hurt at all.
BENT OVER AND BACKWARDS
But because I am still working on the 1 Month for ME concept and I don't always know how to say NO, I was on my feet working the next day, and then began a hellish week. While I waited for my results I developed the WORST gas pains and cramps I have ever experienced in my life, which got worse every day. I literally could not straighten up. Then the floods, I mean, bloods, came.
So much for walking every day. I walked twice. And even though my whole abdominal and pelvic area ached and burned, I needed sugar all week like an addict needs his fix.
THE RESUTS.
So I go in yesterday and the Dr. says, "good news, no Cancer." I sit there waiting for the bad news. She has none. I DO. I am bleeding. My hormone levels on my blood tests say I should not be. Well so far nothing indicates anything bad, but "we will do another ultrasound, and maybe a D & C." If you are a guy and still reading this, it's your fault you are having to hear about dialation and cutterage. I know. Owie.
LIFE IN THE SLOW LANE.
So now I have menopause symptoms which are like PMS on steroids, (insomnia, exhaustion, moodiness, palpitations) plus I have menstrual symptoms. And I feel ancient. And I am supposed to be excercising to get more energy and lower my blood pressure. CAN YOU SAY "HAVING A HARD TIME MAKING THIS WORK?"
My funny brother in law, who is a Doctor, said I just have too much Estrogen. "You are just TOO feminine, Boo." My inner response was, well someone has to be around here since, since, as a Mom of three lovely young men, I have no daughter or mother, and you have hijacked my only sister to the outer regions of the universe (Montana). (I love him and he's perfect for her!)
THE CLOUD
When I showed my husband the picture of what a normal uterus looks like ( a small pear), and what my somewhat enlarged one looks like, he thought mine looked like a cloud. That's cool. Clouds are pretty....Then I remember my cloud of witnesses, my female ancestors who have passed this test before me, The Female Force. (My mom was actually still having periods when she died.) And I remember my sis is only a call away and would be here in a New York minute. And I remembered all my girly cousins ages 3-70, and my wonderful girlfriends. And really, my very suppotive sons and husband; I am sure they have some estrogen in there somehwere...And the Holy Spirit, and Jesus, the ONE guy who understands, because he birthed the Universe.
Pains and blood and weight come and go. But what is eternal is wrapped in Maternal LOVE. I have experienced that. I have it in me. It keeps spurring me on to take care of myself...That makes me happy. Like Maddie in James Scott Bell's book "Breach of Promise" said to describe how she felt when she was happy,
MY HEART IS BEAUTIFUL.
HEALTHY EATING
But first: I am now hooked on oatmeal for breakfast, since I decided I just was NOT going to eat it without salt, butter, sugar and cinnamon. So now, a formerly bland artery declogging gruel tastes like a Cinnabon goodie...well it's STILL Oatmeal, right?
So my initial plan for this blog was to get up every day, have my healthy breakfast, have my quiet time, and go for a brisk walk. My summer plan is to end up hiking and/or some other form of torture, I mean, exercise, for 3-4 hours a day until I have shed 50 lbs. Cos THAT'S what HAS to happen, and there is no getting around it, right?
Well last Friday my wonderful body decided three weeks was long enough between periods. Yes periods. Yes at my age. At least I hope they are some kind of periods, rather than a dread disease.
Warning #2: I think I did mention Menopause was going to be a topic in this blog, right?
That's because I am going through 'it,' whatever it is....and finding out 'it' can be quite an adventure, one that NO man would survive, kind of like childbirth, but it is much longer than 9 months. There is Peri Menopause, which can last 10 years or more, and Menopause which is not over until you have not had a period for a year. Which means you can NOT have a period for 11 months and then have one and whoops! you have not "gone through Menopause" yet...
Well, the technical terms surrounding this mysterious 'change' are all bunk. And my aunt Chila LIED. She said she "just had a period one month and then never had one again." No hot flashes, no erratic periods or behavior.
Since all my life, from the age of 12, (except for during my 4 pregnancies, and the year my Dr. had me on non-stop birth control pills for my endometriosis,) my reliable monthly friend came exactly every 27 days, I expected to have a reliable "change of life." R I G H T. And I expected that if things got crazy, bio identical hormones would help things along.
Fact is, my periods were not always friendly. I did have years of very heavy ones. I was diagnosed with fibroids. I was not too worried about it, since I am one of the few people that I know of who has had supernatural healing for Endometriosis, complete with medical confirmation to my doubting insurance company from my Doctor.
To shorten the story, back in the late ninetees, 2 knife happy second opinions wanted to take all my parts out because my fibroids were causing the bleeding. But another two did not think it was necessary. "The fibroids shrink at menopause, and that's right around the corner for you."
12 years later I think I finally see that corner. Periods are fewer and father apart. But this whole thing, it ain't pretty. And it appears that bio-identicals make the bleeding worse for me. So recently I was told by my latest Gyno that I had to have an Endomerial Biopsy and then wait ten days for the results to see if I had Uterine Cancer.
Know this: my mom died at 54 from a type of Fibroid Tumors not known to respond to chemo or radiation. All you could do was take them out and wait until one popped out elsewhere, then take IT out. It was an 18 year race.
So my sister and I have a real aversion to waiting for test results. Even though we have 'cancelled the curse of cancer' from our families...but we are naughty and fat. But now we are doing something about it, the disease causing fat, that is. More on THAT another day.
In the meantime, I was told by the entire staff that the Endrometrial Biopsy would hurt as much as the worst mentrual cramps I have ever had. No anesthesia.
Well, I had just been to my very female-loden family reuinion on my Mom's Mom's side and the Female Force, and the Holy Spirit (who has lots of female traits) and Jesus, and my good friend Shirley, were all totally with me, and it did not hurt at all.
BENT OVER AND BACKWARDS
But because I am still working on the 1 Month for ME concept and I don't always know how to say NO, I was on my feet working the next day, and then began a hellish week. While I waited for my results I developed the WORST gas pains and cramps I have ever experienced in my life, which got worse every day. I literally could not straighten up. Then the floods, I mean, bloods, came.
So much for walking every day. I walked twice. And even though my whole abdominal and pelvic area ached and burned, I needed sugar all week like an addict needs his fix.
THE RESUTS.
So I go in yesterday and the Dr. says, "good news, no Cancer." I sit there waiting for the bad news. She has none. I DO. I am bleeding. My hormone levels on my blood tests say I should not be. Well so far nothing indicates anything bad, but "we will do another ultrasound, and maybe a D & C." If you are a guy and still reading this, it's your fault you are having to hear about dialation and cutterage. I know. Owie.
LIFE IN THE SLOW LANE.
So now I have menopause symptoms which are like PMS on steroids, (insomnia, exhaustion, moodiness, palpitations) plus I have menstrual symptoms. And I feel ancient. And I am supposed to be excercising to get more energy and lower my blood pressure. CAN YOU SAY "HAVING A HARD TIME MAKING THIS WORK?"
My funny brother in law, who is a Doctor, said I just have too much Estrogen. "You are just TOO feminine, Boo." My inner response was, well someone has to be around here since, since, as a Mom of three lovely young men, I have no daughter or mother, and you have hijacked my only sister to the outer regions of the universe (Montana). (I love him and he's perfect for her!)
THE CLOUD
When I showed my husband the picture of what a normal uterus looks like ( a small pear), and what my somewhat enlarged one looks like, he thought mine looked like a cloud. That's cool. Clouds are pretty....Then I remember my cloud of witnesses, my female ancestors who have passed this test before me, The Female Force. (My mom was actually still having periods when she died.) And I remember my sis is only a call away and would be here in a New York minute. And I remembered all my girly cousins ages 3-70, and my wonderful girlfriends. And really, my very suppotive sons and husband; I am sure they have some estrogen in there somehwere...And the Holy Spirit, and Jesus, the ONE guy who understands, because he birthed the Universe.
Pains and blood and weight come and go. But what is eternal is wrapped in Maternal LOVE. I have experienced that. I have it in me. It keeps spurring me on to take care of myself...That makes me happy. Like Maddie in James Scott Bell's book "Breach of Promise" said to describe how she felt when she was happy,
MY HEART IS BEAUTIFUL.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
A Quiet Storm
How did I do yesterday? I will write that down, but first:
Wow...my hubby was coughing last night, so he went to another room to sleep, and I slept through the night. That has not happened in years. I have been EXHAUSTED to distraction, between the hormone fluxuations of menopause and my brain trying to sort through the details of our challenging lives...(which may be a different blog someday, maybe even a book...but I will allude to it here once in a while.)
I am a light sleeper. Mainly at night. I sleep deeply at 7 AM. I know...it makes for a very interesting life.
Right now I am here trying to figure out how I worked three days a week, went to school fulltime, kept house, took care of a sick kid, and was a wife, for several years without collapsing, in middle age! Well I am collapsing NOW. But not TODAY, because I actually slept more than 5 hours, without waking up and staying up for an hour or more, as is my custom, night after night.
It really is a wonder I function at all. Or do I? The last few months have been a blurr, marked by a couple of events which punctuated my need for help.
First there was The Home Experience, a wonderful conference at church. When we went shopping and out to eat with the speaker, Devi Titus, I became aware AGAIN, that I am doing everything wrong. I have quit excercising because I am too tired, I don't eat right because, well, because my attempts at controlling the food that comes into our house have failed, and therefore I am way overweight, and shopping is no fun.
But I also became aware of how much I do love hospitality and entertaining, and how I have not had the energy nor the extra money to do it. And I became aware that I may never get a job as long as I am fat. Let's face it, overweight people are not Company Insurance-friendly, not to mention the attractiveness factor that should be a given in the Beauty Industry. Fat is just not hip, and to be a Cosmetologist, one really needs to be hip.
I will mention here that my degree is in Organizational Leadership and Theology. What I really want to do is be a Ministries Coordinator. But I have discovered my "industry" is very male oriented, when it comes to hiring. Unless I want to work at a Universalist Church, head up a Children's Ministry, or a Hispanic Ministry, I am not in the running. My friends will know exactly what my response to those options would be.
In the meantime I do Women's Ministry at church, a volunteer position I LOVE. I love our church women. We mother each other.
So the second event which punctuated my need for help was earlier this month. We had a Women's Brunch at church during which I was the MC. During which time I bled profusely. For the third time, I had started the bio-identical hormones my Gyno had given me. For the third time they made me have unbelieveable blood loss. I wonder if anyone could tell I was shaking. I wore a brightly colored skirt hoping to mask the blood. It did not work...
Today, I go to a new Gyno to try to get this figured out. (my other Gyno, who had suggested I have a hysterectomy, quit gyno-ing to do anti-aging research) The first time I saw this new one she told me she would not recommend hormones at all, OR a hysterectomy, unless I have abnormal cells in my uterus, which she will look for today.
The third event which nailed it for me, and convinced me to DO SOMETHING was this past weekend. I was surrounded by my beautiful female cousins who have managed to keep some semblance of their former young figures. I was actually relieved my God-Mother was not there. She gets very angry at me (in a good way) when I don't look trim and lovely. Trim and lovely are values our Cuban culture holds dear, along with friendly, affectionate, and talkative. Oh they still love you if you are fat, but they want you to 'get rid of it,' for all the great reasons you should!
SO MY QUEST: to get my uterus and hormones under control as much as is possible at this stage of life, to get rid of most or all of the excess weight, which I know will be difficult at this stage of life, and to make myself more employable and/or nail down some type of interesting career...
As to how I did yesterday, well: I did some writing, (did I mention I love to write and am working on a book?) I ate reasonably healthy stuff in small quantities, BUT I was unable to say "no" to a time consuming request to which I should probably have said "no." And I was too tired to excersise. But I did take by wonderful Nano Vitamins!
My focus HAS to be my health and weight loss this month. I MUST make time to excersise every day. The biggest obstacle to my excersising is that I am usually so tired. But I know that if I start small, I will actually have more energy, and it may actually HELP regulate my hormones a little and help me sleep better...and all those other great things excersise does...
Wow...my hubby was coughing last night, so he went to another room to sleep, and I slept through the night. That has not happened in years. I have been EXHAUSTED to distraction, between the hormone fluxuations of menopause and my brain trying to sort through the details of our challenging lives...(which may be a different blog someday, maybe even a book...but I will allude to it here once in a while.)
I am a light sleeper. Mainly at night. I sleep deeply at 7 AM. I know...it makes for a very interesting life.
Right now I am here trying to figure out how I worked three days a week, went to school fulltime, kept house, took care of a sick kid, and was a wife, for several years without collapsing, in middle age! Well I am collapsing NOW. But not TODAY, because I actually slept more than 5 hours, without waking up and staying up for an hour or more, as is my custom, night after night.
It really is a wonder I function at all. Or do I? The last few months have been a blurr, marked by a couple of events which punctuated my need for help.
First there was The Home Experience, a wonderful conference at church. When we went shopping and out to eat with the speaker, Devi Titus, I became aware AGAIN, that I am doing everything wrong. I have quit excercising because I am too tired, I don't eat right because, well, because my attempts at controlling the food that comes into our house have failed, and therefore I am way overweight, and shopping is no fun.
But I also became aware of how much I do love hospitality and entertaining, and how I have not had the energy nor the extra money to do it. And I became aware that I may never get a job as long as I am fat. Let's face it, overweight people are not Company Insurance-friendly, not to mention the attractiveness factor that should be a given in the Beauty Industry. Fat is just not hip, and to be a Cosmetologist, one really needs to be hip.
I will mention here that my degree is in Organizational Leadership and Theology. What I really want to do is be a Ministries Coordinator. But I have discovered my "industry" is very male oriented, when it comes to hiring. Unless I want to work at a Universalist Church, head up a Children's Ministry, or a Hispanic Ministry, I am not in the running. My friends will know exactly what my response to those options would be.
In the meantime I do Women's Ministry at church, a volunteer position I LOVE. I love our church women. We mother each other.
So the second event which punctuated my need for help was earlier this month. We had a Women's Brunch at church during which I was the MC. During which time I bled profusely. For the third time, I had started the bio-identical hormones my Gyno had given me. For the third time they made me have unbelieveable blood loss. I wonder if anyone could tell I was shaking. I wore a brightly colored skirt hoping to mask the blood. It did not work...
Today, I go to a new Gyno to try to get this figured out. (my other Gyno, who had suggested I have a hysterectomy, quit gyno-ing to do anti-aging research) The first time I saw this new one she told me she would not recommend hormones at all, OR a hysterectomy, unless I have abnormal cells in my uterus, which she will look for today.
The third event which nailed it for me, and convinced me to DO SOMETHING was this past weekend. I was surrounded by my beautiful female cousins who have managed to keep some semblance of their former young figures. I was actually relieved my God-Mother was not there. She gets very angry at me (in a good way) when I don't look trim and lovely. Trim and lovely are values our Cuban culture holds dear, along with friendly, affectionate, and talkative. Oh they still love you if you are fat, but they want you to 'get rid of it,' for all the great reasons you should!
SO MY QUEST: to get my uterus and hormones under control as much as is possible at this stage of life, to get rid of most or all of the excess weight, which I know will be difficult at this stage of life, and to make myself more employable and/or nail down some type of interesting career...
As to how I did yesterday, well: I did some writing, (did I mention I love to write and am working on a book?) I ate reasonably healthy stuff in small quantities, BUT I was unable to say "no" to a time consuming request to which I should probably have said "no." And I was too tired to excersise. But I did take by wonderful Nano Vitamins!
My focus HAS to be my health and weight loss this month. I MUST make time to excersise every day. The biggest obstacle to my excersising is that I am usually so tired. But I know that if I start small, I will actually have more energy, and it may actually HELP regulate my hormones a little and help me sleep better...and all those other great things excersise does...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Out of Order, Chaos.
My old me would come back from a trip with the neatest suitcases, ready to be unloaded immediately, because everything had it's place. I have been home a day and some hours and my bags are still by the door. I need help!
What has happened? I keep cleaning out closets and storage, and people keep moving more stuff in...and I just shove my stuff aside to a place where it's almost inaccessible. I can't find my stuff, the stuff that makes my life mine, that makes my life work...it's under other people's stuff!
You have to understand I RARELY, if ever, buy anything...I have all this stuff, and it's very nice and I am thankful for it, but very little of it is originally mine. Some of it I needed and it came at just the right time, but alot of it I was just too nice to turn away.
It's like other people's out of control lives have taken over my space and now my space is out of control...
The stuff is just the material symbol of what is going on inside of me...other people have moved their lives into mine. I have let them! Not because they meant harm, most did not. I have not established boudaries. Not because I am a people pleaser, but because I am non combative; fighting for my rights makes me weary, and so I just don't do it.
I used to stand up for myself, but my voice was not powerful enough. Other voices were louder. So I picked up my bags and moved on. That is what I do. If a situation gets too uncomfortable, I leave. It's how I learned to live...My family left Cuba, for very good reasons, but after leaving your country and family once, with all the anxiety and pain of that, leaving became easy. I left my first marriage. I left the town where I grew up. I have left again and again.
But this time is different. A. I can't really leave. B. I don't really want to. In this chaos there is stuff I love, not to mention people I love...
I eat to feel better, to silence the screaming emotional chaos in me. I have created an inner pack rat of pain and hidden angst. Externally she weighs 70 lbs. more than she should.
So the outer chaos is the picture of the inner chaos. The inner chaos is a woman who has had too much stuff happen to her in too little time, and who has hidden, but wants to come out and BE. She doesn't want to take anything from anyone. She just wants to be. And to be allowed to be. And not be edited, critiqued, changed, suspected, misunderstood, or treated badly. She wants to learn how to stop allowing people to treat her badly, yet keep her integrity and kindness. She doesn't want to learn how to be manipulative. She doesn't want to be a star. She just wants to thrive in who she is. She wants to be ME.
Life has dismantled me. I want to find the pieces and put me back together. Or find new pieces that are even better. But they have to be MY pieces, the ones God gives ME. Not the ones everyone else wants me to use...
The process, and for sure, the end result, must be authentic.
What has happened? I keep cleaning out closets and storage, and people keep moving more stuff in...and I just shove my stuff aside to a place where it's almost inaccessible. I can't find my stuff, the stuff that makes my life mine, that makes my life work...it's under other people's stuff!
You have to understand I RARELY, if ever, buy anything...I have all this stuff, and it's very nice and I am thankful for it, but very little of it is originally mine. Some of it I needed and it came at just the right time, but alot of it I was just too nice to turn away.
It's like other people's out of control lives have taken over my space and now my space is out of control...
The stuff is just the material symbol of what is going on inside of me...other people have moved their lives into mine. I have let them! Not because they meant harm, most did not. I have not established boudaries. Not because I am a people pleaser, but because I am non combative; fighting for my rights makes me weary, and so I just don't do it.
I used to stand up for myself, but my voice was not powerful enough. Other voices were louder. So I picked up my bags and moved on. That is what I do. If a situation gets too uncomfortable, I leave. It's how I learned to live...My family left Cuba, for very good reasons, but after leaving your country and family once, with all the anxiety and pain of that, leaving became easy. I left my first marriage. I left the town where I grew up. I have left again and again.
But this time is different. A. I can't really leave. B. I don't really want to. In this chaos there is stuff I love, not to mention people I love...
I eat to feel better, to silence the screaming emotional chaos in me. I have created an inner pack rat of pain and hidden angst. Externally she weighs 70 lbs. more than she should.
So the outer chaos is the picture of the inner chaos. The inner chaos is a woman who has had too much stuff happen to her in too little time, and who has hidden, but wants to come out and BE. She doesn't want to take anything from anyone. She just wants to be. And to be allowed to be. And not be edited, critiqued, changed, suspected, misunderstood, or treated badly. She wants to learn how to stop allowing people to treat her badly, yet keep her integrity and kindness. She doesn't want to learn how to be manipulative. She doesn't want to be a star. She just wants to thrive in who she is. She wants to be ME.
Life has dismantled me. I want to find the pieces and put me back together. Or find new pieces that are even better. But they have to be MY pieces, the ones God gives ME. Not the ones everyone else wants me to use...
The process, and for sure, the end result, must be authentic.
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